Why I'd better not see the "Hobbit" movie

[dbskyler]

"Return of the King" is on my TV right now. I happened to turn it on at the point where Frodo and Sam are almost to the Crack of Doom, and Gollum attacks them. I watched for only about 10 minutes or so. Here are the errors I noticed:

1) At the edge of the Crack of Doom, when Frodo is standing there with the Ring and says "The Ring is mine," he leaves out the beginning: "I have come, but I do not choose to do what I came here to do." Okay, it's a little thing, but I noticed it. Mainly I was waiting for him to say it because there was all this close-up camera work on his face, and I'm like, "Say it! Say it! No, wait, you only said part of it."

2) When Frodo puts the Ring on his finger, the armies of Sauron are supposed to falter, as if suddenly bereft of direction, as all the will of Sauron is turned towards the Ring. But instead they keep on fighting.

3) Gollum dies because after he bites off Frodo's finger, Frodo attacks him again. The two of them go over the edge, but Frodo manages to hang onto the rock. Wrong! Gollum is supposed to go over the edge by himself, from dancing with excitement.

4) When Frodo wakes up in Ithilien, he is greeted in bed by the entire Fellowship, including Sam. But Frodo is supposed to wake up before Sam, and then fall asleep again waiting for him.

I should explain that I can't even remember the last time I read "Return of the King" -- it's been years. But I had it practically memorized when I was 13 or so, and obviously I still remember it very well, and don't like changes.

Comments

[persiflage-1.livejournal.com]

Yup, I feel the same. It's annoying - because the ensemble cast is brilliant, the cinematography is bloody gorgeous, and I love Howard Shore's music - it's just the rest is so wrong.

And unlike some people, I simply cannot separate them into Book!Tolkien and Movie!Tolkien, because after all these years, they're simply too engrained in my head. (It's been 37 years since I first read The Hobbit, and 30 since I first read The Lord of the Rings, and I've read them both numerous time since.)

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I can't separate the movies from the books either. There's just the one story, and the movies are telling it WRONG!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way!

[persiflage-1.livejournal.com]

YANA!

My friend Juliet says she can separate the two, despite also being very familiar with the books - but I can't even begin to get my head around that.

I did see all three LotR movies at the cinema when they came out - but I found myself twitching throughout each time. I learnt my lesson then, and swore not to spend my hard-earned on watching The Hobbit (especially since Jackson's turned it into a 3 movie epic!)

When the first Hobbit movie came out on DVD I contemplated renting it - but so far it hasn't happened, and now the second one's at the cinema, so I probably won't...

[pitry.livejournal.com]

LOL, yeah. I refuse to watch The Hobbit because it isn't supposed to be an epic trilogy, I've had enough with Peter Jackson's Epic Trilogies with the original LOTR movies, so I support you!

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

Yes, when I first heard they were making "The Hobbit" into a trilogy, my reaction was "How? Slow motion?"

I guess they're putting in all this other stuff, but I think it would ]irritate me to see it. I was irritated just by reading about it on wikipedia. If Jackson wants to use the LOTR characters in his own plotlines, fine, he can make all the movie-based fanfic he wants. But don't mess with the storylines of the original books!

[lolmac]

Yup yup. Jackson's gone back for an even bigger dose of multi-million-dollar fanboy wank,but I don't have to buy a ticket to watch anybody's massive self-gratification, in any form. Personally, I wish he'd do it in private.

more rantiness

[lolmac]

Things I learned about Jackson in the first 20 minutes of Fellowship (the only one of the films I've ever watched in its entirety, and the only one I ever paid to watch any part of), and which have only been further demonstrated over time:

- Jackson thinks he can tell Tolkien's story better than Tolkien did.

- Jackson does not believe that the spoken word has any real dramatic power.

- Jackson is, at his heart, a director of B-grade action flicks.

Back in the 70s, we used to say that you could find anything in Tolkien -- whatever you wanted to find there, you could: myth, escapism, political allegory, Biblical drama. Jackson found B-grade action flicks.

Best as I can tell, at this point, Jackson regards Middle-Earth as his, and he can do whatever he wants with it. In addition to the massive wankage, he's also set himself to "fix" the things he apparently thinks the original story lacked: crass humour, slapstick, overblown action sequences and gratuitous battle scenes.

And the damned thing even has a grafted-on romantic subplot, complete with Mary Sue-iel . . .

Re: more rantiness

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

For fun, I decided to go through and say everything that's wrong with the plot of "Desolation of Smaug" as outlined on wikipedia. Here we go:

At the Inn of the Prancing Pony in Bree, Gandalf persuades Thorin Oakenshield to obtain the Arkenstone to unite the Dwarves

Um, what? Thorin wanted to retrieve all his stolen treasure, or at least as much of it as he could. Yes, he especially wanted the Arkenstone, but not for some mystical "unite the Dwarves" purpose. It was simply the single most valuable gem in the horde.

Thorin and his company are being pursued by Azog and his Orc party down the Carrock following the events of the previous film.

Okay, I didn't see the previous film, but what? No orcs -- or goblins -- pursue them after they were rescued by the eagles and set down by the Carrock.

After Bilbo informs the group that a bear is also tracking them, Gandalf ushers them along to the nearby home of Beorn to seek his aid

Two Dwarves at a time? It's supposed to be two Dwarves at a time, plus Bombur at the end. Yes, it would take longer to show them arrive that way, but then you are trying to spin a short book out into three movies, right?

That night, Azog is summoned to Dol Guldur and instructs his son Bolg to take over the hunt for Thorin.

Um, okay? Not in the book, but whatever.

The following day, the company reaches Mirkwood where Gandalf discovers Black Speech graffiti imprinted on an old ruin, and abruptly leaves without explanation. He cautions them to remain on the path and wait for him before entering the Lonely Mountain.

What? Gandalf was never going to go with them all the way to the Lonely Mountain. It wasn't his quest. Bilbo was the 14th member of the party to keep away bad luck, remember? No mystery, no need for sudden graffiti.

However, they lose their way and are caught by Giant Spiders.

OMG, this is correct!

Bilbo, with the help of the One Ring, sets about freeing the Dwarves, which results in him dropping the ring; Bilbo begins to learn of the corrupting influence it has on him after brutally killing a spider to retrieve it.

And, we're back to incorrect. Corrupting influence? What happened to "he was able to give it up because he began his ownership of the Ring so; with pity"?

At the same time the Wood Elves arrive, led by Legolas and Tauriel.

What what? Legolas and who? First off, Legolas wasn't there. Yes, he's Thranduil's son, but if he was there, then he would have recognized Bilbo and Gloin in "Fellowship of the Ring," and he didn't. So, he wasn't there. As for Tauriel, characters who weren't in any of the LotR books at all weren't there, either.

They are then imprisoned following an altercation with the Elvenking Thranduil, only to be packed into into empty wine barrels that are sent downstream by Bilbo, who had evaded capture.

I'm a little worried by the word "altercation"; did a gratuitous fight scene get added? Other than that, the rest is correct.

While being pursued by the Elves, they are ambushed by Bolg and his Orc party and in the ensuing chaos Kili is wounded.

What what WHAT? Nothing about this sentence is right. They weren't pursued by the Elves, they weren't ambushed by Orcs, and Kili wasn't wounded.

[some more extra stuff about Gandalf and etc., which I will skip]

The company are then smuggled into Esgaroth by Bard, where the descendants of Dale now reside. Thorin promises the Master of Lake-town and its people a share of the mountains treasure, and receive a grand farewell. However, an injured Kili is forced to stay behind, tended by Oin, Fili, and Bofur; it is also revealed that Bard is a descendant of the last ruler of Dale, and possesses the last black arrow capable of defeating Smaug.

What the hell?! No one's smuggled anywhere. They show up. Thorin doesn't promise treasure, although the Laketown people hope for eventual reward. The non-injured Kili doesn't stay behind for his nonexistent wound, and no one else stays with him. Bard is the descendant of Dale, but what's this about a black arrow? Wrong! You just need to be a good shot to kill Smaug; no magic arrow required.

[continued in next comment]

Re: more rantiness

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

Once Thorin and his remaining company reaches the Lonely Mountain, Bilbo discovers the hidden entrance and is sent to retrieve the Arkenstone, only to awaken Smaug.

Sort of right, although Bilbo is not sent for the Arkenstone. In fact, Thorin doesn't even mention the Arkenstone until after Bilbo finds it.

In Laketown, Bard attempts to bring the black arrow to the town’s launcher, but is arrested in the process, leaving his son to hide the arrow. Kili, Fili, Oin, Bofur and Bard's daughters are then attacked by Bolg and his Orc party, who have infiltrated the town in search of Thorin. Legolas and Tauriel arrive soon after and fend off the Orcs. Legolas then pursues Bolg, while Tauriel remains to tend to Kili; the two then acknowledge their love for each other.

LOL, that's a good one! Laketown political intrigue over a black arrow! Orcs showing up in Laketown! A love triangle with Kili, Legolas, and the new character! Ha ha ha . . .

Oh, wait, you were serious?

While being hunted by Smaug, Bilbo and the Dwarves trick him into rekindling the forges; they attempt to kill the dragon by burying him alive in molten gold.

What??!! No, no, no! They never try to kill Smaug at all. Dealing with the dragon was a weak point in their plans.

However, Smaug emerges and stumbles out of the mountain determined to destroy Lake-town and its people for aiding the Dwarves. He then takes to the air as Bilbo watches in horror at what they have unleashed.

Um, well, I would have thought at that point that Smaug would come after the Dwarves directly; his motives for going after Laketown in the book had nothing to do with revenge for almost getting gold-dipped. But, I guess you had to bring the plot around somehow.

In sum, almost nothing about the plot is correct!

Jackson does not believe that the spoken word has any real dramatic power.

I think this is the saddest thing about the movie adaptations. Tolkien was a master of the English language, and I would have liked to see that honored more.

rantiness: better than homicide

[lolmac]

Tauriel is the Mary Sue that Jackson has added. While the Dwarves are imprisoned by Thranduil, she falls in love with Kili, who is apparently very tall for a dwarf. She's supposed to marry Legolas, or something like that. (I haven't seen either film, just read some reviews.)

BTW -- Azog was the orc chieftain that Dain killed at the end of the battle before the gates of Moria -- the one that ended the Dwarf and Goblin war. We only know that Bolg is the son of Azog because of a footnote in The Hobbit -- but Jackson can make a whole fanfic plotline out of a footnote, just as he can make a long gratuitous battle scene out of the line earlier in the book about storm-giants throwing rocks at each other.

Speaking of gratuitous battle scenes -- yes, during the dwarves' escape (which has been blown up into a long, hilarious log flume ride with added fighting), there's a big fight between the orc army and the elven army. Kili gets a poisoned wound from an orc arrow, which Tauriel eventually heals using athelas.

As for Mirkwood -- the Dwarves didn't exactly "get lost"; they ran out of food after crossing the stream and having to carry the sleeping Bombur for several days (apparently the only part of the book that does NOT appear on film, which is odd, because Jackson seems to have decided that Bombur is only there for comic relief. Because fat people are such fun, y'know.) They see the fires of the Elves feasting and decide to risk getting lost, because they're already starving. Thorin is captured by the Elves, and the rest of the Dwarves get disoriented in the darkness and blunder into the spiders.

Bard was unmarried and childless in the book; he didn't marry until after he became king.

So, we have the Mary Sue, the Orc who died several decades ago, the extra generation of Bardlings, several gratuitous fight scenes -- oh, yes. Instead of the Dwarves taking refuge in the tunnel at Bilbo's plea, and escaping Smaug's assault but getting trapped in the Mountain -- apparently there's a HUUUUGE ACTION PACKED ACTION SCENE involving the Dwarves trying to melt down the treasure and gold-plate Smaug to death, or something similarly clever. I suppose it's breathtakingly fast-paced and somehow hilarious.

And there's yet another gratuitous scene of EXCITING ACTION, involving Gandalf going to Dol Guldur and having a smackdown with Sauron. Yeah.

Have you seen any of the "Honest Trailers"? The one for The Hobbit is undoubtedly better than the movie itself -- and it's also actually good! And worth watching!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc32YdEWHzo

Re: rantiness: better than homicide

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

LOL, no, I hadn't seen the "Honest Trailer." That was indeed good!

As for Mirkwood -- the Dwarves didn't exactly "get lost"

Yes, you're absolutely right. Well, they did get lost, but only because they were trying to get food. And, is Thorin captured by the Elves first in the movie? Or did they skip over that part, in order to make time for more battle scenes? ("Where's Thorin?" is one of my favorite moments in the book. Although I'll concede that it would be harder to pull that off in a movie.)