Why I'd better not see the "Hobbit" movie

[dbskyler]

"Return of the King" is on my TV right now. I happened to turn it on at the point where Frodo and Sam are almost to the Crack of Doom, and Gollum attacks them. I watched for only about 10 minutes or so. Here are the errors I noticed:

1) At the edge of the Crack of Doom, when Frodo is standing there with the Ring and says "The Ring is mine," he leaves out the beginning: "I have come, but I do not choose to do what I came here to do." Okay, it's a little thing, but I noticed it. Mainly I was waiting for him to say it because there was all this close-up camera work on his face, and I'm like, "Say it! Say it! No, wait, you only said part of it."

2) When Frodo puts the Ring on his finger, the armies of Sauron are supposed to falter, as if suddenly bereft of direction, as all the will of Sauron is turned towards the Ring. But instead they keep on fighting.

3) Gollum dies because after he bites off Frodo's finger, Frodo attacks him again. The two of them go over the edge, but Frodo manages to hang onto the rock. Wrong! Gollum is supposed to go over the edge by himself, from dancing with excitement.

4) When Frodo wakes up in Ithilien, he is greeted in bed by the entire Fellowship, including Sam. But Frodo is supposed to wake up before Sam, and then fall asleep again waiting for him.

I should explain that I can't even remember the last time I read "Return of the King" -- it's been years. But I had it practically memorized when I was 13 or so, and obviously I still remember it very well, and don't like changes.

Comments

Re: more rantiness

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

Once Thorin and his remaining company reaches the Lonely Mountain, Bilbo discovers the hidden entrance and is sent to retrieve the Arkenstone, only to awaken Smaug.

Sort of right, although Bilbo is not sent for the Arkenstone. In fact, Thorin doesn't even mention the Arkenstone until after Bilbo finds it.

In Laketown, Bard attempts to bring the black arrow to the town’s launcher, but is arrested in the process, leaving his son to hide the arrow. Kili, Fili, Oin, Bofur and Bard's daughters are then attacked by Bolg and his Orc party, who have infiltrated the town in search of Thorin. Legolas and Tauriel arrive soon after and fend off the Orcs. Legolas then pursues Bolg, while Tauriel remains to tend to Kili; the two then acknowledge their love for each other.

LOL, that's a good one! Laketown political intrigue over a black arrow! Orcs showing up in Laketown! A love triangle with Kili, Legolas, and the new character! Ha ha ha . . .

Oh, wait, you were serious?

While being hunted by Smaug, Bilbo and the Dwarves trick him into rekindling the forges; they attempt to kill the dragon by burying him alive in molten gold.

What??!! No, no, no! They never try to kill Smaug at all. Dealing with the dragon was a weak point in their plans.

However, Smaug emerges and stumbles out of the mountain determined to destroy Lake-town and its people for aiding the Dwarves. He then takes to the air as Bilbo watches in horror at what they have unleashed.

Um, well, I would have thought at that point that Smaug would come after the Dwarves directly; his motives for going after Laketown in the book had nothing to do with revenge for almost getting gold-dipped. But, I guess you had to bring the plot around somehow.

In sum, almost nothing about the plot is correct!

Jackson does not believe that the spoken word has any real dramatic power.

I think this is the saddest thing about the movie adaptations. Tolkien was a master of the English language, and I would have liked to see that honored more.

rantiness: better than homicide

[lolmac]

Tauriel is the Mary Sue that Jackson has added. While the Dwarves are imprisoned by Thranduil, she falls in love with Kili, who is apparently very tall for a dwarf. She's supposed to marry Legolas, or something like that. (I haven't seen either film, just read some reviews.)

BTW -- Azog was the orc chieftain that Dain killed at the end of the battle before the gates of Moria -- the one that ended the Dwarf and Goblin war. We only know that Bolg is the son of Azog because of a footnote in The Hobbit -- but Jackson can make a whole fanfic plotline out of a footnote, just as he can make a long gratuitous battle scene out of the line earlier in the book about storm-giants throwing rocks at each other.

Speaking of gratuitous battle scenes -- yes, during the dwarves' escape (which has been blown up into a long, hilarious log flume ride with added fighting), there's a big fight between the orc army and the elven army. Kili gets a poisoned wound from an orc arrow, which Tauriel eventually heals using athelas.

As for Mirkwood -- the Dwarves didn't exactly "get lost"; they ran out of food after crossing the stream and having to carry the sleeping Bombur for several days (apparently the only part of the book that does NOT appear on film, which is odd, because Jackson seems to have decided that Bombur is only there for comic relief. Because fat people are such fun, y'know.) They see the fires of the Elves feasting and decide to risk getting lost, because they're already starving. Thorin is captured by the Elves, and the rest of the Dwarves get disoriented in the darkness and blunder into the spiders.

Bard was unmarried and childless in the book; he didn't marry until after he became king.

So, we have the Mary Sue, the Orc who died several decades ago, the extra generation of Bardlings, several gratuitous fight scenes -- oh, yes. Instead of the Dwarves taking refuge in the tunnel at Bilbo's plea, and escaping Smaug's assault but getting trapped in the Mountain -- apparently there's a HUUUUGE ACTION PACKED ACTION SCENE involving the Dwarves trying to melt down the treasure and gold-plate Smaug to death, or something similarly clever. I suppose it's breathtakingly fast-paced and somehow hilarious.

And there's yet another gratuitous scene of EXCITING ACTION, involving Gandalf going to Dol Guldur and having a smackdown with Sauron. Yeah.

Have you seen any of the "Honest Trailers"? The one for The Hobbit is undoubtedly better than the movie itself -- and it's also actually good! And worth watching!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc32YdEWHzo

Re: rantiness: better than homicide

[dbskyler.livejournal.com]

LOL, no, I hadn't seen the "Honest Trailer." That was indeed good!

As for Mirkwood -- the Dwarves didn't exactly "get lost"

Yes, you're absolutely right. Well, they did get lost, but only because they were trying to get food. And, is Thorin captured by the Elves first in the movie? Or did they skip over that part, in order to make time for more battle scenes? ("Where's Thorin?" is one of my favorite moments in the book. Although I'll concede that it would be harder to pull that off in a movie.)